It started with an
istikharah prayer. After-graduation unemployedness for a 26 years old single
guy like me is never easy. I got a degree right behind my name, a bachelor. A
degree with which people expect me to do something great, yet I can only find
myself begging for pity from anyone who would even have a bit of mercy to
accept me as their employee. I applied here and there, sent my CVs everywhere,
so many companies. The answers keep dragging my heart down.
Hesitating
of what should I do, I finally come tou You, my dear Allah swt. I kneel down to
you, after all those ridiculous sins I’ve made, all those countless mistakes
I’ve done. I beg for Your Blessing, Your Mercy, Your Forgiveness, now I repent
shamelessly in front of You. I still feel so stupid, even until now, as to why had
I only come to You after all these problems? I’m a weak human indeed, O God.
And You are the Almighty. I give up my life to you, to worship You and be
nothing but worshipper of Allah, as this is the reason why You created us all,
human beings.
Now
I have my life in front of me, but indecision of what should I do with it. I
can’t stay unemployed, yet I’m no good at doing business. I’m good at studying,
and keep studying. And that’s what I’ve been doing. And now that I ask you what
should I do, it seems like studying is the answer. I should study more, and
even spread my knowledge all over the world, help people with what I know. I feel
like I should even become a teacher.
But
the frustration comes into desperation when I found myself doing things that I
thought would be important yet I can’t provide any advantage for the society,
for the people. I’m a teacher without student, I’m a learner with no practice,
I have no chance and felt so useless. I
study materials, read and write articles, read books but there’s nothing I can
do to implement all those knowledge. Also, my applications for those jobs must’ve
been thrown away in a rubbish bin, because apparently I got no answer for
months. Even a look in the eye from anyone looks like it’s telling me that I’m
a jobless worthless sucker. Simply, I was depressed.
And
when my confusion peaked up, I got answer from my istikharah question about
what I should do with my life: I should get a scholarship. That’ll totally
improve the situation. It’s like a blink of a light when I’m stuck in the pitch
dark cave, crouching on a wall looking for a chance to stay alive. It’s been
inside my heart, hiding, because I always look at university websites,
campuses, university ranking for no reason. I’ve been dreaming about since… I
don’t even know since when but I’ve always wanted to study abroad. It’s like
the primary school version of me is telling me to make my dream come true.
Ever
since I realize this goal, my ambition to study abroad has been resurfacing.
It’s buried in a shallow grave, I know, but my desperation and frustration of
being rejected from companies had always keeping me away from it. It’s not just
that, but I also have that faith in me, that I will be able to struggle even
the hardest I should to get this. That no matter how many obstacles lie on my
pathway there, I would always be able to kick it away and make my way there. And
You, Allah swt., that I trust You, that You’ll always be on my side, and I
believe that everything will just gonna be alright, including this struggle
over scholarship. That’s the time that I start to apply for scholarship again.
That
day, August 18th 2015, I sent my application to many universities
abroad, in many countries. In my count, I can only remember 20 or more. I
remember that day precisely I was sitting on my nephew’s bench concentrating on
my laptop since very early in the morning. I filled up forms, uploaded my
documents, made personal statements and submit my application. New Zealand,
Australia, Turkey, United Kingdom, Japan, China, literally everywhere. Literally
to every university I’m interested in. At first I was so excited, but then the
excitement slowly turned down and it came into boredom. Nevertheless, I kept
going. It sounds silly but I have a faith in what I was doing.
Since
then, miracles have come into my life endlessly. I started to feel much happier
with my struggle, my heart was even calmer than it was before. I study
consistently, with belief in my head that it’ll be advantageous. I struggle,
yet I no longer feel desperate for the result. During my struggle over
scholarship, I got a lot of help that I believe could only come from You dear
Allah. Those are, the miracles I never thought I would have in my life. It’s
like you put sticks and stones away to
clear up my path and reach my goal. If it isn’t You, it wouldn’t be possible. Looking
back to where I was and how I felt back then, it feels like impossible. But then
again I’m already here. It was amazing.
That’s
the time that I fully submit my life to You dear Allah, that it started to
change. I change the orientation of my life, giving up my entire life to only
worship Allah and struggle for my religion. And I did, with Your Help, O Allah
the Almighty. That’s the best decision I’ve ever taken in my whole life. I
thank You for all these great achievements, for all these experience,
opportunity, life, breathe, and every single thing You provide right here in
front of me. I just can thank You enough for these blessing, these gifts. May I
be Your servant for the rest of my life.


