From Desperation to Miracles

It started with an istikharah prayer. After-graduation unemployedness for a 26 years old single guy like me is never easy. I got a degree right behind my name, a bachelor. A degree with which people expect me to do something great, yet I can only find myself begging for pity from anyone who would even have a bit of mercy to accept me as their employee. I applied here and there, sent my CVs everywhere, so many companies. The answers keep dragging my heart down.

Hesitating of what should I do, I finally come tou You, my dear Allah swt. I kneel down to you, after all those ridiculous sins I’ve made, all those countless mistakes I’ve done. I beg for Your Blessing, Your Mercy, Your Forgiveness, now I repent shamelessly in front of You. I still feel so stupid, even until now, as to why had I only come to You after all these problems? I’m a weak human indeed, O God. And You are the Almighty. I give up my life to you, to worship You and be nothing but worshipper of Allah, as this is the reason why You created us all, human beings.

Now I have my life in front of me, but indecision of what should I do with it. I can’t stay unemployed, yet I’m no good at doing business. I’m good at studying, and keep studying. And that’s what I’ve been doing. And now that I ask you what should I do, it seems like studying is the answer. I should study more, and even spread my knowledge all over the world, help people with what I know. I feel like I should even become a teacher.

But the frustration comes into desperation when I found myself doing things that I thought would be important yet I can’t provide any advantage for the society, for the people. I’m a teacher without student, I’m a learner with no practice, I have no chance and felt so useless.  I study materials, read and write articles, read books but there’s nothing I can do to implement all those knowledge. Also, my applications for those jobs must’ve been thrown away in a rubbish bin, because apparently I got no answer for months. Even a look in the eye from anyone looks like it’s telling me that I’m a jobless worthless sucker. Simply, I was depressed.

And when my confusion peaked up, I got answer from my istikharah question about what I should do with my life: I should get a scholarship. That’ll totally improve the situation. It’s like a blink of a light when I’m stuck in the pitch dark cave, crouching on a wall looking for a chance to stay alive. It’s been inside my heart, hiding, because I always look at university websites, campuses, university ranking for no reason. I’ve been dreaming about since… I don’t even know since when but I’ve always wanted to study abroad. It’s like the primary school version of me is telling me to make my dream come true.

Ever since I realize this goal, my ambition to study abroad has been resurfacing. It’s buried in a shallow grave, I know, but my desperation and frustration of being rejected from companies had always keeping me away from it. It’s not just that, but I also have that faith in me, that I will be able to struggle even the hardest I should to get this. That no matter how many obstacles lie on my pathway there, I would always be able to kick it away and make my way there. And You, Allah swt., that I trust You, that You’ll always be on my side, and I believe that everything will just gonna be alright, including this struggle over scholarship. That’s the time that I start to apply for scholarship again.

That day, August 18^th 2015, I sent my application to many universities abroad, in many countries. In my count, I can only remember 20 or more. I remember that day precisely I was sitting on my nephew’s bench concentrating on my laptop since very early in the morning. I filled up forms, uploaded my documents, made personal statements and submit my application. New Zealand, Australia, Turkey, United Kingdom, Japan, China, literally everywhere. Literally to every university I’m interested in. At first I was so excited, but then the excitement slowly turned down and it came into boredom. Nevertheless, I kept going. It sounds silly but I have a faith in what I was doing.

Since then, miracles have come into my life endlessly. I started to feel much happier with my struggle, my heart was even calmer than it was before. I study consistently, with belief in my head that it’ll be advantageous. I struggle, yet I no longer feel desperate for the result. During my struggle over scholarship, I got a lot of help that I believe could only come from You dear Allah. Those are, the miracles I never thought I would have in my life. It’s like you put sticks and stones  away to clear up my path and reach my goal. If it isn’t You, it wouldn’t be possible. Looking back to where I was and how I felt back then, it feels like impossible. But then again I’m already here. It was amazing.

That’s the time that I fully submit my life to You dear Allah, that it started to change. I change the orientation of my life, giving up my entire life to only worship Allah and struggle for my religion. And I did, with Your Help, O Allah the Almighty. That’s the best decision I’ve ever taken in my whole life. I thank You for all these great achievements, for all these experience, opportunity, life, breathe, and every single thing You provide right here in front of me. I just can thank You enough for these blessing, these gifts. May I be Your servant for the rest of my life.