time for yourself

there's a moment in your life when you just want to be alone. it's not because of a trouble or something horrible happen to you. it's just your mood, telling you to go where nobody can find you. feel the silence, peacefulness and loneliness cause at some point, it's relieve. looking at the blue sky, white cloud, beautiful carpeted forests, and wind blows your hair slowly, and you feel a freedom.

may be that's what i feel for now. a moment for myself just to getaway from any kind of problem i have. getaway, alone. that is surely what i need now.

Reaching Peaks

Tired, but happy of my life. That's probably how i feel now. Goals are ahead of me now, waiting to be held. Time is clicking, tic toc tic toc. But wasted, just to write this note for now... But a relieve, that's what this is. A little bit of seconds to take a breath, looking at my life from above, trying not to be myself but someone else, to objectively see what is actually going on with my life. Trying to see whether i'm doing the right thing.... or not.

I've been feeling very dizzy, for several days lately. I feel like a hurricane whirling around people, even i can feel it around my head, inside my brain. It's like there's a storm swirl my brain, every single minute. Problems never end, my thought can never stop rolling, i can't stop thinking.

But for now, i can't stay relax as i ever did, that time. It's confusing, it's depressing but that's how i like it. I live my life in a way that i want it to be. I'm in a path i always see myself in it the first time i wrote my dream, long time ago in junior high school. I see a look in the eyes of my friends, my family and even strange man, deep through it, i see reflection of me, that i become someone i always wanted to be. And now, this is me, climbing a peak, reaching my dreams...

Ah Teori!

Ada temen yang bilang, praktek itu gak segampang teori. Ada nilai rasa 'meremehkan teori' dalam kalimat ini, yang saya sangat sayangkan.

Praktek memang tidak bisa sesempurna dan sesederhana teori. Teori cuma menjelaskan fenomena dengan 1 cara, oleh karena itu selalu ada teori baru untuk menjelaskan dengan lebih sempurna.

Itu pula yang terjadi dengan teori-teori sains umum seperti gravitasi, teori tentang atom termasuk relativitasnya Einstein. Teori-teori ini saling menyempurnakan dan menjelaskan fenomena dengan lebih baik. Misalnya, apa kita yakin sekarang kalau atom itu bagian terkecil suatu materi? Atau memang benar bahwa cahaya itu bersifat gelombang sekaligus partikel? Bagaimana kalau ada penjelasan (teori) yang lebih baik dan terbukti benar?

Begitu pula dengan teori dalam ilmu sosial yang menjelaskan suatu peristiwa. Bedanya, dalam ilmu sosial, si pembuat teori ini subyek sekaligus obyek yang masuk ke dalam situasi yang ia teliti sendiri. Si pembuat teori itu tentunya membuat teori berdasarkan nilai, karena dia bukan seorang yang tak bermoral. Ilmu sosial bukan ilmu sains alam yang meneliti obyek dari luarnya saja. Si empunya teori, juga bagian dari apa yang ia teliti dan secara langsung atau tidak, ia mempengaruhi perilaku orang lain dengan teorinya itu. Dan si pembikin teori ini juga punya nilai-nilai yang ia anggap mendasar, yang belum tentu disepakati orang lain. Oleh karena itu, teori dalam ilmu sosial itu memang benar, tapi subyektivitas selalu ada.

Maka dari itu, fenomena sosial itu jauh lebih sulit untuk dijelaskan, karena bukan hanya teori yang dibutuhkan tapi juga siapa saja dan nilai apa saja yang dia gunakan. Itulah gunanya ilmu, menyempurnakan apa apa yang masih diperlukan untuk memahami fenomena. Kalau kita meremehkan teori, bukankah itu berarti kita melemahkan ilmu itu sendiri. Padahal ilmu itu kunci kemajuan.

*ah teori,,. banyakan cingcong

:) Friends

There are times of your day when you're suddenly alone, find your mind whirling, hurricanes of memories, past. I look at my ceiling in the middle of the night, contemplating about how my life has been for the past few years. Questions poped into my head, as I remember a simple term of endearment that we always use to call each other: Plewarai...

Do you guys remember, Putri, Noah, Vivi and Putra, when were in Java mall, teasing people by licking ice cream sensually as people passing by and said 'Silakan'? 

Do you guys even remember how we turned out to use that 'plewarai' word to call each other? That silly thai movie that bond us together?

Redbox, even when we have our schedules, skip classes just to watch horror movies, screaming really loud and even kicking each others butt, and end up losing our grips when the movie's over?

Karaoke, forgetting images we always tried to make in front of public and reveal our craziness, clumsiness, dancing like a mentally troubled people poured into 4x4 noisy boxes?

Making dishes at vivi's house, messing up with her room, throwing each other jokes then laugh till our stomach hurts?

Stay in my and putra's boarding house, throw your bags in my room then left for putra's room watching movies during Ramadhan 2012?

Having English and Japanese courses in Untag then go look for break fasting dinner then we talked till up late?

Too many guys, just too many of very nice, laughable, lovable, unforgettable memories of us

And it has been wonderful...

Me, Angga and Noah would be graduated by next year. Vivi is already on her way to Jogja starting her post-undergraduate career there. Putra's working in Solo already. Hima is now struggling with work and reach for further academic future. Jullie is now in Salatiga, has her changed in a good way. Anggi is still busy climbing for her second undergraduate degree. Fide is now busy with her at Bina Bangsa School, and probably even continuing her business. Wahyu, as she always be with us also, working on her thesis, in her hometown in Gunungpati. Putri is about to go to Germany. We are all busy with our own stuff, our own lives.

Live must go on, people say. But things I could never let go, are memories of us. Thank you friend for being there for each of us. May God bless us for our future...

And the last thing I remember the most of us... How beautiful and lovable a friendship is...

Freaking Standards!

Once at a time of your life, there is this moment when you realize that you’ve been tied so tight you can’t even breath. Tied that you realize have existed even since you haven’t been born. A tied called social and cultural standard of life, made by people around you!

I reckon this quite silly actually, I live my life my own way and it’s just people, society expect me to be whatever they want me to be, while I want to be other. I sit here at this very spot, living my own life, but everyone else bother me to reach whatever standard they want me to become, just because they believe that these standards are what it takes to make a life. No it isn’t. There so many things so many aspects of the life, so many room for greatness even when you cross those standards.

Enough to tell you how sick I am of standards. That’s what people make, that’s what they want me to be. But what’s wrong of not being like that!

One has to finish study, one to has a good job, make a living, make even more money and so on. It’s like there are nothing else in this live but those. We have wide open gateway to do many other more colorful and amazing things and even job to do. I do realize I have to make living, but it’s not gonna be worth it if I don’t enjoy and I don’t think that’s my determination. I wanna live somewhere, with a job, with activities I dream myself would do it for a long time. Even I don’t wanna stay in a single place, I wanna travel, I wanna go round the world, no stopping.

But suddenly when you realize that you’re family, you’re friends, the society you live in, they set standards for people. What’s that for? To let people be happier? Is it happy if you tied by standards you don’t even know and you don’t even have the chance to put your aspiration to set that standards? And why would it has to be standards? Why would it has to be the same threshold?

Everybody’s unique, everybody’s different. They have their own value that they respect as much as they respect themselves. Standards supposed to be made by a person himself, set it to himself.

                Then another ridiculous thing is that when one doesn’t reach those standards, people would see that person as low self esteem, unqualified, and not worth-ed kinda person. What’s wrong with not reaching standards?

I say, people, don’t get caught up with what society expect of you. Live with your own standards.

Plewarai(?)

I begin my search for a longtime dream in this university named after national hero, wahid hasyim. I was in touch with Putra already, as a very fond friend of a friend of mine from Salatiga whom i know was about to move to Semarang also. Then i brought him there, to a little crowded town called Sampangan, as we will live there, for quite near future, that time. We were very alone at that time, just two of us knowing each other, with no one else as companionship. In brief, we were struggling together to survive in the heat of Semarang.

As I start my study in Unwahas, even the first day I already met a surprisingly unique personality and rather cheerful friend named Noah. We were talking, awkwardly that time and we thought of each other as snobby annoying guys, as we told each other that fact later as close friends. He was the one I always look for when I'm in search of a company, those first day adapting to a new community. As i recall, even those first day I already visit him in his old boarding house in Kendeng Barat, and become fond to each other since. And that second day of orientation, i met Angga. Even that day we're in the same team for the whole orientation days. He was sooo chatty, loud yet very caring and funny. Despite those whole dynamic look, he's a really mature guy, and we share each other stories ever since.

That is also the day i met the master of ceremony for three days of orientation. Her name is Mita as I recall she mentioned it, i sit in the front row and she asked me about my name, and a little bit K.E.P.O about me. *if you say no vivi, i will bash you on your head with a crowbar.* As time went by, i know she prefer to be called as Vivi, which at that time i 

There are times of your day when you're suddenly alone, find your mind whirling, hurricanes of memories, past. I look at my ceiling in the middle of the night, contemplating about how my life has been for the past few years. Questions poped into my head, as I remember a simple term of endearment that we always use to call each other: Plewarai...

Do you guys remember, Putri, Noah, Vivi and Putra, when were in Java mall, teasing people by licking ice cream sensually as people passing by and said 'Silakan'? 

Do you guys even remember how we turned out to use that 'plewarai' word to call each other? That silly thai movie that bond us together?

Redbox, even when we have our schedules, skip classes just to watch horror movies, screaming really loud and even kicking each others butt, and end up losing our grips when the movie's over?

Karaoke, forgetting images we always tried to make in front of public and reveal our craziness, clumsiness, dancing like a mentally troubled people poured into 4x4 noisy boxes?

Making dishes at vivi's house, messing up with her room, throwing each other jokes then laugh till our stomach hurts?

Stay in my and putra's boarding house, throw your bags in my room then left for putra's room watching movies during Ramadhan 2012?

Having English and Japanese courses in Untag then go look for break fasting dinner then we talked till up late?

Too many guys, just too many of very nice, laughable, lovable, unforgettable memories of us

And it has been wonderful...

Me, Angga and Noah would be graduated by next year. Vivi is already on her way to Jogja starting her post-undergraduate career there. Putra's there working in Solo already. Hima is now struggling with work and reach for further academic future. Jullie is now in Salatiga, has her changed in a good way. Anggi is still busy climbing for her second undergraduate degree. Fide is now busy with her at Bina Bangsa School, and probably even continuing her business. Wahyu, as she always be with us also, working on her thesis, in her hometown in Gunungpati. Putri is about to go to Germany. We are all busy with our own stuff, our own lives.

We would be the last member of us who would be graduated. And i just can't bear not to write about us, what we've been through these last years.

Live must go on, people say. But things I could never let go, are memories of us. Thank you friend for being there for each of us. May God bless us for our future...

And the last thing I remember the most of us... How beautiful and lovable a friendship is...

Momok Mahasiswa!

Memang bener momok ya, yang namanya skripsi itu. Padahal kalo diliat juga gak segitunya, tapi kenapa bisa rasanya kayak ada tembok gedhee di depan mata yang nongol cuma kalo lagi mau ngerjain skripsi. Padahal deadline daftar itu tanggal 16 Februari, yang artinya itu 2 minggu lagi... aarrggghh... I gotta finish this! See you later, aligators! SEEMANGAAAAT SKRIPSSIIIIIII!!!!

Hampa

Dari kepala turunlah ke dada, dan masuklah ke dalam sana. Ada sebuah rongga kosong besar, gelap dan tak berwarna. Hampa dan hanya hitam dan putih. Ruang ini sedikit bercahaya, yang entah datang darimana, remang-remang menerangi sebuah obyek di tengah yang sedang berdenyut. Si empunya mengatakan itu hati, tapi jika hati itu benar adanya maka ia mungkin tak tampak seperti ini. Ia bulat, besar, memenuhi rongga, tapi sekaligus menyisakan kekosongan yang memenuhi rongga tadi. Berdenyut-denyut kuat seolah ia hendak meledakkan rongga ini. Ia hitam, kelam seperti kepulan asap hitam yang menyembul langsung dari api yang terbakar, dari ban yang tersulut. Pekat dan memenuhi, bergerak dengan cepat tak karuan. Asap ini seolah sedang ingin memakan apapun yang menghalanginya namun ia hanya bisa terperangkap di dalam rongga sempit itu. Anehnya, rongga yang berdenyut ini pun tertekan karena dentuman-dentuman dan gerakan kasar asap hitam. Lapisan luar rongga ini berkecamuk, suara-suara menggeretak terdengar dari rongga yang mulai merenggang dan membentuk retakan. Semakin cepat asap berputar, semakin cepat retakan muncul dan …

Si empunya dada itu sudah tak mampu menangis karena sesaknya dan muaknya dengan rasa hatinya yang seperti itu.

Diremas oleh tangan yang tak terlihat, dengan begitu kuat dan begitu kencang. Seolah ia hendak menghentikan denyut jantungku. Berdenyut dengan begitu kencang seolah ia mau meledak. Aku bahkan tak tahu perasaan macam apa ini. Marah? Kecewa? Sedih? Hampa?

Bodoh, aku sudah hidup selama sekian tahun tapi tetap saja tak mampu membedakan perasaan yang mana ini…

Empty…

Minggu Ketiga di Jakarta

Semburat biru muda masih malu-malu menapaki langit pagi hari ini.

Pukul lima pagi seperti ini, Jakarta masih sepi. Apalagi ini hari sabtu.

Yah, ini adalah sabtu ketiga dalam minggu-minggu ku pertama kali tinggal di metropolitan terbesar negeri ini. Kota yang dikata orang sebagai kejamnya dunia, tempat si miskin dan si kaya beradu merebut bungkusan nasi segenggaman tangan saja. Tempat dimana manusia gerobak berserak di tepi-tepi jalan, menebarkan miris sekaligus wangi yang bikin siapa saja yang lewat mengendus kecut. Juga tempat si maling berdasi melancarkan aksi, di kantor-kantor bergelimangan uang di sana sini.

Kota ini menjadi perhentianku sejenak dalam perjalanan menuju manis hidup.

Beralih sebentar, tentang manis hidup. Apakah benar kita bisa mengecap manisnya hidup? Pernahkan satu kali kita bermanis tanpa ada pahit apapun? Hidup itu penuh dengan masalah, sebagai muslim aku percaya hanya akhirat yang menjadi perhentian tanpa masalah. Itu pun kalau beruntung masuk surga, dengan segala susah payah dunia. Toh kalau kita mengecap manisnya dunia, lalu akhirat mau dikecapi dengan apa?

Perjalanan hidup yang menuju akhir, hanya menuju akhir. Perjalanan hidup inilah yang sesungguhnya menjadikan semua ini berharga. Bukan akhirnya saja.

Sekarang ini, adalah masa dimana hidup nikmatku sebagai mahasiswa di Semarang tiba-tiba harus diubah 180 derajat menjadi kehidupan kerja yang penuh dengan tekanan psikis. Tentu aku adalah orang baru di Jakarta ini, orang yang sama sekali buta tentang Jakarta. Yang aku tahu hanya dari cuap-cuap tetangga atau rekanan yang pernah menyambangi kota super besar ini.

Ya, Jakarta adalah salah satu kota terbesar di dunia.

Awal kehidupan disini tidak mudah sama sekali bagiku. Adaptasi tempat, adaptasi lingkungan, juga ritme kehidupan yang banyak berbeda dengan Semarang. Begitu awalnya.

Aku hidup di lingkungan yang dikelilingi oleh orang-orang Jawa. Meskipun aku fasih dan sangat lancar berbahasa Indonesia, namun tentu dialek yang aku gunakan bena-benar terpengaruh dengan ke-Jawa-anku. Entah berasal dari mana, aku punya perasaan bahwa membawa dialek Jawa dalam berbahasa Indonesia di Jakarta tidak akan membawaku menuju kondisi yang nyaman. Ah, seperti ini saja sudah tidak nyaman. Tapi toh aku berusaha untuk mengikuti aksen tanah ini, seperti apa kata pepatah, dimana bumi dipijak di situ langit dijunjung. Memang aku sudah cukup terbiasa bercakap-cakap dengan logat yang dikatakan ‘gaul’ tapi tentu berbeda ketika aku bicara dengan orang yang sama-sama dari Jawa, dengan orang yang asli setempat.

Itulah.

Jujur saja ada sedikit perasaan malu tadinya, ketika aku harus menggunakan logat Jawaku dalam berbahasa Indonesia. Aku merasa seperti orang desa yang baru saja mampir ke Jakarta dan terheran-heran dengan majunya sistem perkotaan di sini.

Tentu sebenarnya tidak begitu. Banyak sistem di Jakarta yang sudah diterapkan di Semarang, dan orang awam pun mahfum dengan hal itu. Tapi entah kenapa, tetap saja terasa berbeda.

Padahal jika aku punya cukup kepercayaan diri, ke-Jawa-anku inilah yang menjadi ciri khas yang membedakan aku dengan kebanyakan orang lainnya di Jakarta ini. Identitas ku adalah sebagai orang Jawa yang memiliki falsafah hidup yang bejibun banyaknya dan penuh dengan kebijaksanaan. Hidupku berada di lingkungan yang budayanya justru lebih kuat daripada orang-orang di Jakarta ini. Dan itu membuatku banyak berpikir, bahwa identitas budaya itulah yang sebenarnya menguatkan. Karena dengan begitu aku punya banyak kebijaksanaan berumur ratusan tahun yang berakar kuat di tanah kelahiranku.

Nah, harusnya hal itu menjadi modal bagiku untuk terus berkarya, penuh percaya diri dan penuh semangat menghadapi semua tantangan yang harus aku hadapi.

Itu tadi satu kendala beradaptasi di Jakarta ini, untuk diriku sebagai orang daerah yang sama sekali buta Jakarta.

Nah, itu teman-temanku sudah bangun…

Kami berencana untuk sekadar megunjungi monas, yang hanya berjarak selangkah kaki dari tempat kami tinggal. Kami tinggal sangat dekat dengan alun-alun Indonesia.

Sekarang ini kami sudah mampu bercampur baur dengan lingkungan Jakarta. Bukan karena kami berubah, tapi karena pemahaman kami bahwa apa adanya diri kami disini adalah cerminan diri kami. Dan bahkan jauh sebelum datang kemari, kami sudah bangga betul dengan apa yang kami punya ini. Kami berpakaian dengan penuh kesahajaan, kami berjalan dengan tenang, kami juga memiliki jiwa yang kuat. Identitas kami, kekuatan kami dan semangat kami.

Pengalaman hidup yang sejenak di Jakarta ini, tidak akan pernah aku lupa…

Selamat datang, Jakarta.